


because this feels like this might last forever

by beautiful1malec



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2019-01-27 15:35:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12585036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beautiful1malec/pseuds/beautiful1malec
Summary: ”It won’t stop.” Alec’s voice cracked as he spoke, pained noises escaping him as his breath caught in his throat. “I keep reliving it. The attack, the spell…” His eyes flickered open, shining with tears and Magnus’s heart shattered at the sight. “Every. Single. Moment. I can’t make it stop. No matter what I do, I can’t make it stop.” He shook his head, eyes closing again as a few tears made their escape. “You told me to tell you, if things ever got that bad.” He inhaled sharply. “It’s bad.”OrAlec thought he could handle it. He was wrong.





	because this feels like this might last forever

**Author's Note:**

> I’m a little too into the idea of Alec being vulnerable and seeking Magnus’s comfort, especially after s0204, and considering I just rewatched the season and felt inspired. I know it’s already happened and it’s been written about, but I figured I’d give it a go. I'm using episodes 4-8 and the scene with Alec and Magnus speaking on the balcony about it during 9 for reference, but it’s set before episode 10, which is why there are quotes coming from everywhere.
> 
> Also, I first posted this from my phone and did it late so there were a few typos/grammatical errors, so I went back and corrected the ones I found after a second time reading through it.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

He thought he could handle it, he really could. He thought he was getting better, starting to move past the attack which almost sent the Institute into a tailspin. The attack that cost Shadowhunters their lives in their own home, the place they should have been safe. Especially Jocelyn. He thought he was starting to believe that it wasn’t his fault.  _Alec, whatever you heard me say when you were under the spell, you have to know, I don't blame you for my mom._ It should have made him feel better, knowing that Clary, who fought so hard and threw herself into their crazy life to get her back, didn’t find him at fault for her mother’s death, along with everyone else constantly reminding him it was a freak accident. Even Magnus already assured him he'd find his way, albeit slowly, but in the most Alec fashion possible. Naturally he was right, when wasn't he? Alec let everyone's words sink in, making himself remember what everyone was telling him. He _really_ thought he would be okay.

He was wrong.

As adamantly as he denied it, there were still gaps. Some memories escaped him, always too far out of reach, but the most vivid, the one he could never forget, was the sight of his hands, covered with so much blood he immediately knew something was wrong, that he’d done something unthinkable. He’d never felt more confused than he had in that moment, struggling to come to his senses as Clary found him slumped against the hallway wall as the possession wore off. So much uncertainty surrounded him, both mentally and physically devoid of energy and security of himself. Everything was a blur, leaving him operating on autopilot, until the point they checked the security footage. Almost shutting down right there, he wanted nothing more than to run from everything, from the entire Institute, as he watched Jocelyn's death occur at his own hands, preserved for everyone to see. 

He’d never felt such unadulterated guilt in his entire life, but put on the brave face he wore so well. He had to, he had to save Izzy, prevent her from making the same mistake, but while doing so, he couldn’t help but wrongfully feel envious. Why did _he_  have to be the fragile one? Why did _he_ succumb so easily and let the demon wreak havoc?It left him feeling  _used_ , like a tool crafted for someone's disposal, only to be thrown away once no longer useful. If anyone asked him, that was his answer, because it was the only one he had. It was pathetic, he knew that, but it was the best he could do. His mind was a broken machine, overused and near the point of absolute failure. He overanalyzed the situation so many times he'd lost count, but it never felt like it was enough. He should have been able to do better. Why couldn't he come up with something more? What was wrong with him?

Logically, Alec knew everything everyone was telling him was right. It wasn’t his fault he’d gotten possessed by the demon, the moments following out of his control as his body was forced to operate against his will. He was an unwilling passenger, forced along for the ride. However, at the moment, logic was the last thing he was capable of as he’d been awoken from a nightmare, the night of Max’s celebration of his rune ceremony running on constant loop. An occasion which should have been joyous, which should have celebrated his baby brother and his accomplishment. It should not have been ruined by Iris Rouse and her spell, manipulated by Valentine and his plan. It  _definitely_  should not have resulted in him trying to throw himself off Magnus’s balcony.  _Not try._  He hated his mind sometimes, making him recall each detail. He actually did it, actually allowed himself to  _fall_  off the ledge without any hesitation, as if it was as easy as breathing. If Magnus hadn’t heard Clary’s pleas, the ones Alec’s spell-ridden mind couldn’t catch, if he hadn’t arrived in time to catch him mid-fall-

 _No._ He could feel his mind go into overdrive, diving into those thoughts and dragging him into the depths headfirst, emotions and all. Forcing himself out of bed, he cringed as he felt sheets and clothes clinging to him, almost like a second skin. Another moment of investigation left him realizing he’d sweat through everything as he slept, his body undergoing its natural response to _fear_ , desperate to defend itself from harm. No point trying to go back to sleep now, not when his thoughts were racing, desperate to find an explanation that didn't seem to exist, his heart keeping up with the rapid pace his mind was setting. He couldn't understand why he couldn't shake it off, wanting to get over the nightmares and move on with his life like the Shadowhunter he was trained to be. He'd had hunts go wrong, had lost people he cared about, had nightmares which left him more emotional than he’d like to admit, but he was able to get past it. It was part of his life, something he could normally do without fault.

But this, it was different. This wasn’t just a one time incident. It worked its way into Alec's life every moment since that night, uncovered fears he didn’t realized he still had. It gnawed at every fiber of his being, leaving him with a raw pain that even an iratze couldn’t heal. He knew this pain too well, a constant companion which traveled with him his entire life while living a lie, hiding the one truth he never thought he’d get to share. Not until Magnus. He’d already gotten through all of that pain, the self-loathing no longer as prominent, but suddenly it was back with full force. He’d taken one step forward, making steady progress and one nightmare sent him barreling 10 steps back. How weak did that make him?

The air around him grew heavier, tightness in his chest suddenly making itself known. Quickly growing in intensity, he couldn’t breath, but as soon as it started, it went away, leaving Alec spiraling as everything started closing in. The attack, the spell, the _guilt_ ,everything rushing back with such strong force it left him overwhelmed. He felt assaulted on all ends, primed to fight the threat, but the enemy was himself, his own mind playing tricks on him, and he didn’t know what would help him regain control. He did know one thing though. He couldn’t stay, not where the reminders were _everywhere,_  couldn't let anyone find him and question his abnormal state, especially not his family. He couldn’t let them see him, his _weakness_ , not when he had to be strong while everything else around them was starting to falling apart. He rushed out, not even taking the time to grab his jacket, shoes, phone, or his bow and quiver, but the instinct of grabbing his stele proved itself present as he took hold of it, activating his soundless, stealth, and unseen runes, not wanting to take any chances as he ran from the Institute.

* * *

Magnus was a night-owl, anyone who knew him knew that. He thrived during the night hours, taking the time to himself to unwind after the Downworld and mundanes gave him trouble with their ridiculous demands. With everything occurring, he’d rather focus his efforts elsewhere, even though it was a luxury he couldn’t afford. Regardless, he couldn’t help but be surprised at the ringing of his doorbell at such a late hour. Those whose knew him were wise enough to call before dropping by at such a time, and he never scheduled appointments so late, not when there was more time in the day. At first, he assumed it was some of the Shadowhunters, always coming to him at all hours whenever something arose, despite the lack of urgency. Many possibilities crossed his mind, but nothing could have prepared him for the sight that greeted him as he opened the door. Alec,  _his_  Alexander, known for his stoicism and perfect composure, was standing before him, barefoot and shaken. From the way he stood, curled inwards and trying to make himself seem smaller, Magnus knew something was terribly wrong. Alexander was hurt, not physically, but it was obviously bad enough if it sent him coming in the middle of the night without warning.

"Alexander." Magnus knew the signs, could see the pain shining through the hazel eyes he could read like a book, the tell-tale tremor of a body and mind pushed to its limit, no matter how hard he tried to mask how close he was to falling apart. He couldn't pretend everything was okay, not in front of him. "Did you come all this way from the Institute like this?" Receiving the expected silence as a response, which confirmed his suspicions, he reached out for him, slow and cautious, but with all the concern he had. It almost broke his heart how hesitantly Alec came to him, letting Magnus gently take hold of his arm to lead him inside the apartment. He tried leading him to the couch, wanting Alec to rest, but his attempt was unsuccessful as Alec came to a sudden stop in the middle of the living room, eyes locked on the double doors that lead out to the balcony, and _oh_.

Realization hit Magnus harder than he expected, leaving him lost for breath for a moment as he stood in front of Alec, reaching up and cupping his face in his hand, stroking his cheek with a soft graze of his thumb. He remained quiet, continuing the gentle caress, giving Alec the time he needed as he finally pulled his gaze away. Head dipping into Magnus's touch, his eyes closed, a desperate last attempt to hide. "Alexander," Magnus tried again, voice soft as he carefully brought him towards the couch, getting him into a sitting position. "You know you don’t need to explain anything to me unless you want to, but darling, can you please say something? Anything?" His thumb remained on Alec's cheek, fingers gently brushing against the hair at base of his neck while his other hand smoothed back the hair that had fallen in his face. It felt foolish, speaking to Alec this way, but he knew firsthand how quickly the situation could go wrong if he wasn’t careful. The last thing he wanted was to push Alec away.

”It won’t stop.” Alec’s voice cracked as he spoke, pained noises escaping him as his breath caught in his throat. “I keep reliving it. The attack, the spell…” His eyes flickered open, shining with tears and Magnus’s heart shattered at the sight. “Every. Single. Moment. I can’t make it stop. No matter what I do, I can’t make it stop.” He shook his head, eyes closing again as a few tears made their escape. “You told me to tell you, if things ever got that bad.” He inhaled sharply. “It’s bad.”

“Oh Alexander…” Everything in Magnus was screaming at him, fighting back his own tears as the urge to _protect_ overpowered him. He cradled Alec, holding him to his chest as Alec’s head dropped to his shoulder, hiding himself from everything else. “It’s alright darling, you don’t have to hold it in anymore.” That seemed to be the trigger, since the next thing Magnus knew, Alec was _sobbing_ , hands clutching Magnus as he let himself go. Magnus’s fingers ran through the dark locks, applying light pressure to help Alec feel grounded.

“I just want it to stop,” Alec cried, voice muffled from his place against Magnus. “I don’t want to die, I know I let myself fall, but I don’t. I really don’t. And I know it’s not my fault, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I want to move past this, but I can’t get over it. I just want this to _go away_. I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to feel weak anymore. Please, make it stop. Help me make it stop.”

Magnus took hold of Alec’s head, carefully tilting it upward. Alec’s eyes opened again and hazel met golden green, Magnus’s glamour dropped as he knew his true eyes brought Alec happiness. If he could give his Alexander the slightest bit of happiness, he’d do it in a heartbeat. His thumbs wiped Alec’s tears, hands cradling his face with so much care Alec’s heart ached. “I know this hurts, that the pain feels too much to handle, but this isn’t something you can just brush off and move on from. It takes time. What happened to you, I can’t imagine what that was like. But you know something? You _survived_. And feeling hurt? It’s perfectly normal to feel hurt from something like this. This does not make you _weak_ Alexander. That makes you human. That makes you  _strong_ , taking control of this. You don’t have to hide your emotions, not from your family, and not from me. They’re all here for you. _I’m_  here for you.”

He held him, feeling Alec rest against his chest as he started to settle. It took some time, but Magnus was in no rush, his fingers brushing through his hair again. Once he felt the shaking subside, he gently tilted Alec’s head upward again, meeting his eyes. “Stay here tonight,” he spoke, voice a soft murmur. “Get some rest.”

”I don’t have anything else but my stele,”  Alec admitted, suddenly seeming ashamed by his outburst as he avoided Magnus’s eyes. 

“That’s okay,” Magnus told him, his thumb grazing over his cheek again, not letting him look away. “Don’t worry about that. You can borrow what you need from me, you know I don’t mind. I can tell Isabelle you’re here, and that you’re safe. I’ll make you a portal in the morning, that sound okay?” Once he received a nod, Magnus rose, carefully helping Alec get to his feet, who stumbled a bit as the decision of running from the Institute barefoot seemed to catch up with him as they walked into the bedroom. After getting under the sheets, Alec reached into his pocket, grabbing his stele and activating his healing rune before Magnus took it away from him, setting it on the bedside table. 

”Thank you,” Alec murmured after a moment, turning on his side so he was facing Magnus while he crawled under the sheets. “For listening,” he added, noticing the look of confusion on Magnus’s face. “I know that was a lot to take…”

”You never have to thank me.” Magnus laid so he was facing Alec, letting his arm wrap around his waist and holding him close. “Thank you for coming to me. If you ever feel like this again, come to me. You can come to me for anything.” Hopefully it wouldn’t, but Magnus would be there for Alec no matter what. He watched as Alec flushed softly before settling in, feeling more at ease as Alec’s eyes closed, dropping a soft kiss to his forehead as he drifted to sleep. “I don’t know what I would have done if something happened to you…” he murmured softly towards the sleeping Alec, reaching forward as he saw his phone illuminate the dark space, going off with an incoming call. 

“Hello?” His voice was barely above a whisper, not wanting to disturb Alec. 

“Have you heard from Alec?” It was Isabelle, worry for her brother clear in her voice. “No one can find him, and Jace said he could feel something through their bond. He’s worried, we all are. Is he with you?”

”He’s here,” Magnus told her, watching as Alec’s breathing evened out, indicating he’d fallen into a deeper sleep. “He was just having a rough night, but he’s asleep now. I’ll have him back in the morning.”

”Thank the Angel,” Isabelle murmured, relief in her words. “Is he alright?” 

Magnus took another look at Alec, a soft smile gracing his lips as he watched him breathe deeply. “He’s safe,” he told her. “And he’ll be alright. I’ll make sure of it.”


End file.
